Yup, gun control is OBE. New plan.

To the current Presidential Administration and the Congress of the United States of America:

Credit: Michael Thad Carter for Forbes

Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick!

A gun is a tool that is specifically and efficiently designed for killing another living creature, usually another human, while putting the killer at the least risk possible.  Mostly gun owners use their guns for killing their own children, spouses, and significant others, sometimes accidentally, and for fantasizing about killing people like me and you, who work for the federal government.  Some of the guns are used for killing innocent animals for “fun.”  This is completely creepy and disturbing, but it’s also normal primate behavior.  Some humans, like some chimps, enjoy killing.  These humans would probably throw their poo at me for writing this, but they can’t get to it through their Realtree camouflage waterproof hunting pants.  Also they are too drunk to find their own ass.

I know you are sort of thinking about gun control legislation, in a way that will be nonspecifically and inefficiently designed for appeasing some voters, while putting you at the least risk possible.   You’re not going to touch the people who use their guns for hunting, because they are poo-throwing drunks who demand their right to participate in their “sport” (although come on, it’s not a sport if the other side doesn’t know it’s playing).  We’ve already got murder and manslaughter laws to deal with the people who kill their spouses, significant others, enemies, random individuals who got too drunk hunting and walked into the wrong sprawl-home,  and children. I honestly don’t care about the people who kill their own kids accidentally.  I’d like to think that was punishment enough, but I have never seen any statistics on how many of those people continue to be gun owners and NRA members.  The way I look at it, the kids of idiots like that are better off dead, and that means fewer future NRA members.  Gun safes are not a particularly difficult concept.

What I’m concerned about, and what you claim to be concerned about, are the few individuals who haven’t adapted well to being human, and who would be the crazy (usually young male) chimps that the other chimps tear to shreds.  These are the people who can use all the freedoms the NRA has bought for them to bear more arms than they have arms.  These are the people who then go and kill lots of people who couldn’t kill them back, even if they too had guns.  These are the people who will never stop trying to kill our babies, our defenseless children, and they should be easily identifiable because they are crazy.

I think it says something that, as difficult as meaningful gun control is in America, you think it’s easier to try for THAT than to fund science that would help identify and treat crazy people.  I think it should be achievable to have a background check for crazy, even based off a very fast and non-intrusive test.  You guys believe in the polygraph, you should believe in guns that read physiological indices (such as blood pressure, pulse, respiration, and skin conductivity) and won’t let themselves be fired.  I would like to see you, our leaders, take a pro-active rather than reactive stance for once.  Use all that money the NRA gives you to pay some big brains to create guns that can’t be used by crazy people.  And yes, you’re going to have to define “crazy.”  And yes, that’s hard.  But if you ran for the job you have on the belief that you would never have to do anything hard, you should quit now.  And don’t pick up a gun, because you are crazy.

It’s hard, but it’s possible.  Because this is America, land of arm-bearers, elected leaders who serve the people, and really amazing innovators.

By the way, I know you guys don’t read the Internets, but your whole gun-control thing?  Made totally moot this week.  Some of those amazing innovators have made it possible for anyone to print their own gun using a 3-D printer.  Those are available in lots of public places, and the price is coming down.  They’ll cost less than $2000 in a couple years.  If this doesn’t scare the poo right through your hunting pants, you aren’t thinking.

So yes, as usual you guys are half-heartedly debating legislation that is already OBE.  But you, like the country you serve, can change quickly if you decide to.  You can’t keep guns from getting into anyone’s hands.  But you can help keep crazy people from going on shooting sprees in public places.  You may have to ask the American public to step up and help you with this, but you know what?  WE WILL.